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Internal Company Newsletter – August 11, 2013

NICHOLAS STEINBACH TO BE KNOWN AS “NEW TLD NIC,” TAKE OVER THE INTERNET

Denver – Much mystery has surrounded the New TLDs and their eventual release onto the World Wide Web. In an effort to wipe away the confusion and see a clearer picture of the future of the Internet, one needs to look no further than NEW TLD NIC™.

FAQ ABOUT NEW TLD NIC

Q: Will he still be my friend?

A: Dude, really? The future of the Internet is probably more important than your feelings.

THE BABES OF NAME.COM

A three-part series on the most recent progeny of name. com employees.

This is Abigail:

abigail the cutie

After the photo shoot, we caught up with Abigail as to what it’s like being the daughter of name.com developer, Nick Salvadore.

ICN (Internal Company Newsletter): How have things been as the new kid?

Abigail: Not too badly. I was a bit gassy/grumpy right out of the gate. They called me Crabigail.

ICN: That’s pretty funny!

Abigail: (stone cold silence)

ICN: Well, I mean it’s creative. It’s a good sign that you’re parents can laugh through adversity.

Abigail: I guess. Now I just have to learn to laugh off this Colorado Rockies gear.

ICN: Baseball is fun!

Abigail: Not when you’re the Rockies in August.

ICN: I see.

Abigail: The Broncos should pay them for making the football season such an eagerly anticipated event.

ICN: Sooooo, what do you think about that flower on your head.

Abigail: It’s all right. I’m just hoping they don’t expect this kind of headwear into my teens. But it’s good for the big people. It makes them happy, gets them making funny noises. I’m hoping it parlays into candy once I get teeth.

ICN: Do you mind people getting all giddy, making crazy sounds and nibbling on you?

Abigail: It is a little strange. Especially when I’m supposed to look up to them as role models. But as LONG AS DADDY BRUSHES HIS TEETH than the closeup aren’t so bad.

ICN: Thank you for the time, Abigail.

Abigail: No probs. Before you go could you set me up with something to chew on?

ICN: Remote control? Cell phone?

Abigail: No…no that’s a lot of germs. How about the dog’s tail.

COMPANY OUTING TO ROCKIES GAME REPORTED AS SUCCESS

Joe “DeGarmo” DeGarmo, who gets discounts at Whole Foods because his girlfriend works there, said that it was a good game.

There were reports that the post-game entertainment was also a success, and that included going to a q4itha jdkl90 alkd322 fourteen six. Excuse us, we’re having some technical difficulties. Let’s try this again. Joe and crew ended up at aldjalkfja where they qtrq6 FIVE FIVE FIVE! Yah, keyboard has gone janky.

While we fix things, enjoy this picture of Sky’s knee and a beer.

sky knee selphie

He also took some splendid photos…

sky rockies scoreboard shot

 

sky double rainbow

 

What does it mean?

Kelly “Cat Lady” Perry captured some serious baseball essence. Awesome.

kelly rockies pic 2

kelly rockies pic 1

Also,

IMAG0341

Customer support manager Chris “lovechild of Gene Hackman and Bruce Willis” Steinbeck took this photo of himself and his wife, Betsy.

AND, IN A RELATED STORY, THE ROCKIES WON THE GAME

Interestingly enough, it was a homecoming for former Rockies manager Clint Hurdle. He now manages the Pirates during their successful 2013 season. What does that mean to his father? We’ll never know….

To wrap up this lengthy segment on the Rockies game, we should thank Kristen “Sparkly Fox” Pierson and Enid “Koalaty” Polovik for putting the whole thing together.

ASHLEY’S CORNER UNAVAILABLE AS THINGS ARE TOTES CRAY TODAY

NEXT WEEK

Sean’s big project.

Why was that handshake so weird?

Pancakes.

Who in the hell is Jake?

Keener, descendent of Sparta.


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Internal Company Newsletter – August 4, 2013

WITNESSES: ASHLEY GOT REALLY, REALLY DRUNK AT COMPANY PICNIC

From what we’ve been able to gather, Marketing Something or Other Ashley “Up With People” Forker got snockered and made some very poor decisions at a recent company picnic. Was her iPhone compromised and used to film false eye witness accounts? That’s hardly the issue. We think the more important question is: “Should you be that hammered in a public space at a company function?”

ANOTHER COMPANY CHAT VEERS WILDLY OFF COURSE

Denver – A busy day at Denver-based domain registrar Name.com churned out yet another all-company chat that changed the course of company communication as we know it. Social Media guy Alex “Adderall” Kehr sent out a chat request for a picture of a dog next to the company kegerator and, in mere Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 1.59.51 PMmoments, the conversation had turned to some sort of one-upsmanship of dogs in Halloween costumes.

“It really was a no-brainer,” said Henrik “Memeball” Kronstrom, who’s infamous for his endless supply of GIF responses. Kronstrom continued with some type of allegory featuring The Jeffersons star Sherman Hemsley doing an angry “raise the roof” dance for his co-star, Isabel Sanford, and some Muppets.

It repeated over and over for most of the day.

PACK OF CIGARETTES FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY

A pack of American Spirits in the drawer to the right of the refrigerator is for emergencies only.

PATRICK “P-FRO” RAMSEY DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST

That’s assuming that his top skills include getting drunk and talking. Although the former proved to make the latter pretty challenging.

CRAZED MAN HEARD SHOUTING “YOU CAN’T RECYCLE PLASTIC BAGS, DAMMIT” OUTSIDE COMPANY WINDOW

Although the website http://www.recycleyourplasticbag.com/city/denver.html, which should not be registered at GoDaddy but instead join a growing list of name.com domains that could be listed on a “doing good” page, shares locations around the metro area where you can recycle plastic bags.

The man was eventually removed from the premises and released to his brand new Tesla S Performance Sedan.

TECH SECTION: VIC DIXON REVIEWS MOTO X

ASHLEY’S CORNER

ashleys corner flower

Go do something awesome
Remember when Demand Media granted us 1 freebie day to get out in the community and volunteer? You should go take advantage of it if you haven’t already! Do something awesome then come back and tell us about it. Make the world go round and feel good doing it!
Baseball game this weekend
Don’t get too drunk. Go rockies.

NEXT WEEK

A-rod a hole?

Sean’s Big Project.

Cashel still works here.

Smitty.


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Internal Company Newsletter – July 29, 2013

NAME.COM SPOKESPERSON COUNTERS VICIOUS LIES

Denver – Domain registrar name.com denied allegations that they were changing their marketing tactics to include scantily clad women on their homepage. This comes on the heels of an article published by the “Domain Gang” claiming that, “Name.com, one of the top three domain registrars in the US in phone responsiveness, are upping the ante right in the heart of the summer.”

The article went on to claim that “The use of buxom females on the Name.com homepage will continue all summer long.”

Domain Gang featured this picture allegedly from name.com's homepage.

Domain Gang featured this picture allegedly from name.com’s homepage.

Quoted in the article is name.com spokesperson, Vic Dixon, who fired back at what he calls, “lies and slander, the kind of thing that had Tricky Dick skipped out of office.” He also went on to claim he’d acquired tetanus twice in one night.

McBreening and/or Gastoning Sweeps Nation

Name.com rallied big during another busy week of marketing, devving, supporting and McBreening and/or Gastoning. While most of the world is unaware of the true meaning of McBreening, we here know that it’s near synonymous with Gastoning, and can encompass most everything Internet including, but not limited to: maintaining, syncing, empowering, domaining, reviving, improving, administrating, systeming, assisting, hacking, saving and server-ing. The latter being an important part to combating mysterious outages that has support answering questions such as, “Are you guys OK?”

IMG_3827

Local man engages in new meme “Gastoning,” which is similar to “McBreening.”

SUPPORT WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO REMIND EVERYONE ELSE THAT WE HAVE A LOST PASSWORD TOOL

A brief meeting with Chris “Timbaland” Steinbeck is all you need to realize that a very large percentage of support phone calls are customers inquiring about password issues. In one of the few videos featuring support rep Steve “Soft Touch” Donatelli not in his underwear, he explains how customers can use the Lost Password Tool.

Next Week: 

Jared finishes his @%%$ Masters

Ashley Gets Drunk at Company Party

Patrick “P-Fro” Ramsey: “Is this still vacation?”

Finally, Drunken Developer.

Pictures of Pat “P-Mo” Moroney’s Baby.


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Internal Company Newsletter – July 22, 2013

SCOTT MCBREEN GETS A NEW JOB

scott mcbreen

Wait…hold on.

scott linked in

He just updated his LinkedIn for the first time since high school. Congratulations Scott!

Support Moves, New People Start

Sky the Diegal and Steinbeck are thrilled to announce that Kelly “not Katy but better” Perry and Jake “Calgon Bath Calm” Eustice have hit the floor with fantastic form. Here is their video debut in Support Closer. Cedar the Diegal confirmed that the move to the other side of the building had gone well and that “at least they weren’t in a trailer in Commerce City.”

trailer park boys

NewTube

This week was a big week for video. Actually next will be even bigger with the debut of Ashley’s drunken picnic rampage, but Alex “Kehr Package” Kehr handled his debut with great poise in this ad mocking GoDaddy’s rebranding of DotLA.

And earlier this week we used the startling good looks of our staff, even Ryan, to unveil the new DotHIV donation program.

Also, Sharknado.

Expose: What’s Wrong With Wenger?

wenger in the corner updated

UPDATE: Apparently nothing.

Speaking of, rumor is that Ben’s wife drew (markered?) this portrait of Sweet Brown:

sweet brown

Also, her husband saved the company $49.99.

What’s Up With Sup

“We’re badass USA,” says Tony Garcia, name.com support legend.

support toilet paper toy update

Garcia next to a toilet paper toy devised to entertain Jeremiah.

Blog

Here’s a link to part of an article that Ethan wrote in 2009.

And his blogging is always good.

Dev

Shannon “SOx ROcks!” Brown shared a glowing review of Sarbanes-Oxley before transitioning to the many new features we can look forward to from the Dev Team. “Yah, the New gTLDs page, we’re working on that, and we’re going to redo the renewal emails so that we stop spamming our customers,” said Brown. Soon, renewal emails will feature more than one domain, so customers aren’t getting multiple emails for multiple domains.

name expire

Ashley’s Corner!

ashleys corner flower

It’s the heat of summer. Naturally, things are HOT at name.com. (editor’s note: She didn’t like what she wrote but I commandeered it from her anyway.)

GOODNESS:
The new TLD .HIV is the “red ribbon of the digital age.” They are doing really neat things around crowd-sourcing both fundraising efforts as well as giving people a voice on where the money should go. Name.com generously donated $2500 to The Blue Roof Wellness Center  as part of a campaign .HIV is running at ICANN Durban, “Using the power of the DNS for the fight against AIDS: Raising funds for HIV-projects in Durban.” More info on our blog post here. Kudos to Stein for passing the info along and for potentially participating in karaoke on name.com’s behalf down there :)

If you haven’t seen our video yet check it out (comment/share if you feel so inclined) HERE.

INTERNAL NEWS:

JARED HAS PROCREATED. That’s right, EWY #3 IS ON THE WAY!!!!

Fantasy:

0510-newborn-baby-photographer

Reality:

1348scary-ass-clown-ronald

NEXT WEEK:

Baxter’s Big Project

Insight from Paul

Sparkly on motivating an entire office.

DeGarmo: “My girlfriend gets me discounts at Whole Foods.”

Jenson: “Actually, it’s spelled with an “E”.

Keener: Is she really who she says she is?

And New Guy John Debut in “Forker Drunk” video!


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I’m nuts for domain names.. OneAlmond.com!




Are you nuts for domain names? Amir at College Humor is!

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